Why Dating in Your 40s So Hard?
Being single and dating over 40 is a struggle. Each week I commiserate with my girlfriends about our dating/relationship struggles…which consists of men our age who haven’t aged well, being pursued by younger men, married men lying about their relationship status and a myriad of men looking for something casual or a hookup. Single women have collectively become disillusioned with the current state of dating as well as the men who are supposed to be our potential prospects. We’re tired of going on endless dates that lead nowhere. We’re expected to lower our standards in order to find a mate because in the warped minds of the men on social media and on dating apps, they are the gift…a prize to be won, and we should be happy they’ve chosen us.
Do you see how taxing single life can be?
A few weeks ago, I was determined to have a different outlook on dating, so I scheduled 6 dates in one weekend. One Friday night, four on Saturday and one on Sunday; yes, it was as exhausting as it sounds. I thought about cancelling the dates several times, but I was determined to go out and have a good time, and I needed the distraction. Anyway, three of the dates went well, and these gentlemen received a rose and advanced to the next round. Hahaha. No, I’m joking; this isn’t an episode of the Bachelorette. Two of the bachelors were cut from the competition in later rounds though due to their fuckery. The optimism I had that weekend seems like a lifetime ago, now I’m tired of the surface level conversations, the inconsistency in communication and behavior and the persistent love bombing from the guys in my DMs. The love bombers really annoy me. Sure, I believe you really like me when you don’t even know me. Yeah, that makes total sense.
So, why is dating in your 40s so hard? Here’s a few reasons I’ve come up with, along with the assistance of a few friends.
I’m out of practice with dating and I don’t understand the rules of engagement. And there’s too much contradictory and shitty dating advice out there. Women are often told “don’t be too available”, “play hard to get”, “don’t enter into situationships, or have sex on the first date”. “Be independent but not too independent”, “be subservient so a man can lead you”. Oh and let’s not forget all the people who blame women for how men treat us in relationships. It’s seems to always be the woman’s fault for picking the wrong men because clearly men aren’t responsible for their own behavior. It’s the misogyny for me…sigh. Listen, I’m gonna be myself, and if a man mistakes that for someone he can easily manipulate or take advantage of then he’ll get cut off.
Most men just want to hookup. I’m not opposed to a causal relationship or friends with benefits but these “relationships” are often one sided. It’s easier to enter into this situation with someone who actually cares about you as a person, despite the lack of romantic or relationship interest. The misogyny ingrained in our male dominated culture allows men to the sole beneficiaries of a hookup/friends with benefits/situationship type of arrangement. You’re probably asking yourself, what does that mean? It means that even if the woman is a willing participant in this relationship she is still treated like an object, strictly valued for her vagina and not as a person with agency. She’s judged for wanting sex. Judged for owning her sexuality, meanwhile the male participant is seen as the victor for his conquest. Anyways, these types of “relationships” can only last a short time before I get bored or want more. What I want is to find someone who likes my heart and brain as much as he like what’s between my thighs.
Men have the illusion of choice and options on these dating apps which overinflates their egos. Meanwhile, women really have the upper hand. We get hundreds, sometimes thousands of matches but it’s tiresome filtering through all these men to find the so-called “good one” who’ll give you the bomb sex and has an adequate sized eggplant. I had over 2000 matches on Tinder, I barely made it through a third of the profiles. While getting all these matches was flattering, having to vet and chat with these guys often felt like a full time job…an unpaid full time job.
Now, the downside of the high volume is the quantity of men doesn’t mean you’re getting quality men. If a guy sends me another unsolicited dick pic or an unsolicited video of him masturbating, I’m going to SCREAM. Sometimes, this is the quality of men I get. I’m over It!
The faux anonymity of dating apps gives men the ability to get away with ridiculous and sexist behavior. See #4 for examples of the piss poor behavior I’ve dealt with. Would these men talk to a real life woman the way they do on these apps? I don’t think so because the consequences for saying stupid things to my face will be severe.
Men my age haven’t evolved in ideology or mindset and it’s proving to me that they aren’t adaptable. They’re set in their ways and I ain’t got time for it. My last date with a man in his 40s ended with me blocking him that night after he decided to go full psycho on me. It was our first date and Mr. 40s already expected me to prioritize his needs. Huge red flag! There’s nothing that turns me off more than a man who doesn’t respect my boundaries. Now you may think blocking him was harsh but it’s not. I did it because I will no longer excuse or make excuses for other people’s bad behavior no matter how much I like them. I’ve learned to take red flags seriously.
I’m constantly pursued by younger men. They like the idea of being with an older woman but aren’t equipped to deal with the emotional baggage I come with. Listen, I’ve got some trauma. Now most people would advise me to stop dating to work on said trauma, however, this is the type of trauma that only comes up when I’m getting close to someone. Intimacy and vulnerability in romantic relationships trigger my trauma…yeah, it sucks. Despite this issue, I’ve still had the best connection with men significantly younger than me. We have great conversations, similar interests and I’m attracted to their ambition and drive. Ambitious men and good conversation, now that’s attractive to me. Hmmm, does that make me a sapiosexual? Anyway, here’s a fun fact for you: me dating younger men is a running joke amongst my circle of friends.
If you’re a single parent, it’s difficult balancing parental responsibilities with a social life. Should I spend the night with him? Should he spend the night? How do I explain my absence to my kid? When do I introduce him to my kid? Is he even worth meeting my child? Decisions, decisions.
When other women accept the bare minimum from men they think all women will. I’m not accepting less than I deserve because I’m a great catch! Also, I’m not desperate for love or affection. I’ll leave these guys for the “pick me” chicks.
Inconsistency is rampant on the dating scene and for me sporadic communication is a huge turn-off. I get it, we’re all talking to multiple people which is really time consuming; however, if I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you’re not interested in me. I will erase your number and move on. Here’s what men need to understand, even if a woman likes you she doesn’t get “excited” or “turned on” by your inconsistency. Yeah, yeah, work is busy. Blah, blah, blah other commitments. If you don’t have the time or desire to give someone the attention they need, make it clear as this allows her to move on and explore other options. Match her energy! If you can’t then don’t be upset when she deletes you from her phone. Another fun fact: I save the numbers of everyone I meet on a dating app with the same emoji, this makes it easier to find all of them and delete them later. Mass deletions occur monthly sometimes quarterly if I forget to purge them from my phone.
Lastly, dating in my 40s is hard because while I want companionship but I’m not with the fuck shit. When I feel this way, staying single feels like the better option. Ah, but I guess I have to stay in the game in order to find what I’m looking for, right?!
Are you single and in your 40s, what challenges have you encountered on the dating scene?
