Damn…is 2020 over yet?
To say 2020 has been a stressful year would be an understatement, it’s been a total shit show. The constant news updates about COVID-19, the upcoming elections, the current presidential administration, the murders of unarmed black people just living their lives, combined with sky high unemployment rates, distance learning and the death of amazing people lost in their prime, has my anxiety at an all time high. While these things may not impact me directly, I usually encounter someone who is reeling from these stressors. With all of these issues, oh and the death of my favorite cat, Daisy May (yes, I have two cats but she was by far my favorite - everyone knows it) are enough to make this pain and anxiety provoking year feel never ending.
While most people had to be quarantined at home due to COVID-19, I’ve been at the office everyday. I’m grateful for my job, but I pushed myself too hard. As a result, I’ve been feeling exhausted and drained from trying to maintain the little bit of sanity I have left so that I can support my teams, my daughter and myself. I was going to insert some super intellectual study or recent survey about how this year has been taxing for everyone but eff that, let’s just talk about ME. When you’re an anxious introvert like me, you feel everything deeply. And because it’s unlikely that I’ll stop to talk to anyone about how I’m feeling until it reaches the point that I can take anymore, I bury my feelings and/or become snippy and quiet. Clearly I should talk to more people about how I feel but it’s been really hard to fit a therapy session into my busy days. Ugh! What I have been doing on more than one occasion is crying in my car. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s actually been quite liberating. I cried a couple of weeks ago before work after getting a text from one of my team members about a scheduling mistake I made. I was so upset with myself for making the error and still raw from a challenging conversation I had earlier in the week, I broke down in tears. I cried for at least 20 minutes, then called my former boss and friend for a pep talk. She was kind enough to help me through it. Couple of things I learned from crying in my car…it’s necessary to cry, bottling up your emotions is no good, and talking to a close friend in times of crisis is always the right answer.
Last year when the world was a “normal” place, my therapist informed me that I suffer from anxiety. When I heard the word, suddenly my life and how I manage my problems made sense. I overthink, procrastinate, worry, am often paralyzed by fear and internalize everything. For years I thought I was just being a typical introvert, however, it turns out that I was unknowingly suffering from anxiety. Thankfully, I’ve picked up tips from self help books and therapy on how to manage my anxiety but there are times when I fall back into old patterns. The stress of the past couple of months pushed me back into my old pattern of internalization because in my warped mind suffering in silence is the right thing to do.
Last week, I took some much needed time off from work which has helped me feel much better. The rest and an IG conversation I had with a friend encouraged me to write this blog post. Thanks to my anxiety I even put off finishing blog posts because I thought my work wasn’t good enough. Worrying can consume me so much that I end up doing nothing because I’m afraid of the outcome, good or bad. My friend reminded me that there were times when I posted personal information on the blog that helped her learn more about herself. Therefore, I’m posting this long ramble to share my baggage, in hopes that someone else can relate to the madness I’ve been experiencing. I know it’s going to be months even years before things return to “normal” so I’m going to have to find a way to manage this shit that doesn’t consistently include crying in my car, being passive aggressive or drinking. FYI - Drinking will never win because there’s nothing I hate more than empty calories. What can I say, I’m a weirdo…being passive aggressive and having emotional meltdowns, now that’s my jam. I’m going to make a concerted effort not to rely on these ineffective coping mechanisms to deal with the shit that triggers me. Wish me luck!
image from Create her stock
