Waiting To Be Chosen
The idea of dating again has caused me to reflect on my prior relationships. Not really a fun place to be, even if I've made peace with the past. Thinking about these relationships taps into my insecurities making me feel incredibly vulnerable.
Here's the conclusion I reached after my days, hours, minutes of reflection; I'm always waiting to be chosen.
Do you know what I mean?
In the past I seemed to be attracted to emotionally unavailable guys. I was always waiting for Mr. Unavailable to tell me he can’t live without me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life.
(Not in holy matrimony though! I have a strong aversion to marriage. Topic for another day.)
Waiting for a partner to acknowledge your worth can be demoralizing. Especially if your self worth is strongly tied to the outcome of your relationship...usually it was. Failure of the relationship meant I was a failure. And while I was often just as complicit in its downfall, I'd imagine him apologizing profusely, sweeping me off my feet to give me the happiness I deserve. Choosing to give up his lying and cheating ways to be with me. Not exactly tragic but definitely a little sad.
Now that I'm back in the dating game, my biggest challenge is going to be keeping these memories from impacting new relationships. I'm concerned about loving and being loved again. But I can't live in fear, what I'll do is remember my mistakes and hope that I don't repeat them.
Images from CreateHerStock
